Who am I

How do you discover, uncover, or claim one’s own gifts? In RUAH (Richmond Hill’s 2-year program in spiritual direction), we read Shame & Grace, by Lewis Smedes. As an exercise we were invited to pick one affirmation from a long list in the appendix to that book. I chose this statement (from p.168) “I am gratefully proud of being who I am and what I shall be.”

How does this statement fit my life and personal experience?

My understanding of who I am is finally becoming clearer to me. For years I have wandered, wondered and searched for an answer to: “Who am I?” During those travels I felt a lingering sense of shame because I didn’t know the answer to that particular question of identity. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand that whiff of shame. The futility of this experience is slowly dawning on me. It’s time to get on with what I do know, and not be paralyzed by what I don’t, won’t, or can’t know.

Wow! There’s a blow for freedom. It seems my Wanderer has turned a corner and discovered a field, just like the man in the parable found in Matthew 13:44. “…the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

Being who I am — is this something one lives into? The being becomes the transformation. Incremental choices are made, and then acted upon, and then, slowly I build up an edifice of life, one small action at a time, just like bricks in a wall or words in a story. Doing nothing (no thing) leaves me lifeless, nowhere. I sense optimism here as well — especially the part about becoming “what I shall be.” This involves naming and claiming. And it’s all good.

Who am I now? At this moment, I'm a writer/designer living as an urban monk in an ecumenical retreat center housed in an historic monastery. This covers what I like to do (writing & designing), as well as where I am doing it. My understanding of (my) spirituality is deepening, as well as my understanding of call.

I am grateful for my sixty+year-old frame — my body and my mind. While I’ve been contemplative in my life these last years, I have been dividing my attention among various geographies of engagement. I yearn for some focused concentration. There are multiple facets of life within Richmond Hill. There’s the communications aspect, community life, community work, plus spiritual development.

Which way to go? “You have to say no to the old ways before you can begin to find the new yes you need.” That Betty Friedan quote holds real truth. Then there’s this, from friend Annie Campbell’s reflection on transition: “Take a deep breath and breathe in the not-yet-ness of what’s coming.”

So, I am in middle passage. And so deeply grateful to be here.

I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Richard Rumble
March 2014